pyesetz | Al Gore vs. Acme® Candidate Critique Kit

After Melody Townsel wrote a generic hit-piece meme for Democrats to use when complaining about one of their own candidates. I negated the meme's logic to turn it into a pro-Al Gore essay. My version got five recommends, ten tips, and three comments (she got 83/101/78). It's also very very funny, due in part to the use of words not usually in my vocabulary. Hey, I'm just copying a meme—like, it's no big deal, man.

Dear (a) Kossacks, (b) former friends, (c) idiots, and/or (d) enemies of the state:

This isn't my (a) first diary or (b) last diary, but it might be my (c) most meaningful diary yet.

Over the last month, I've watched with (a) bated breath, (b) disgusted fascination, and (c) abject horror as everyone except Al Gore has formed his/her Presidential exploratory committee.

I've been (a) sent screaming into the streets, (b) overcome by the vapors, and (c) washed in wave after wave of full body nausea as I've watched you all (a) declare your undying support, (b) announce your new position as a paid member of someone's campaign staff, and/or (c) begun yet another .07 Kos fundraising effort on behalf of one of those OTHER candidates.

Every night this month, I've laid awake nights wondering how anyone with any (a) self respect, (b) intelligence, and (c) love for the USA and everything it stands for could fail to know what an (a) shockingly bad choice, (b) foe to democracy, and/or (c) goat romancer all the other candidates really are.

Even the (a) most cursory Web search, (b) oppo-research view of his track record to date, and (c) Swift-Boater interviews about Al Gore make it clear that he is (a) well-equipped to serve as President and (b) would be the political equivalent of the South Asian tsunami, while all the other candidates (c) couldn't find their asses with both hands and a roadmap.

When you add all the other candidates' purported histories of (a) drug experimentation and/or law-practice; (b) longtime residence in Arkansas and/or attendance at an Indonesian madrassa; and (c) propensity to flirt with farm animals, you can see that Al Gore is, quite simply, the only (a) acceptable and (b) electable candidate, while all the others (c) must have a pork chop tied around their necks so that their dogs will play with them.

Given Al Gore's (a) race, (b) gender, and (c) profession, if not (d) fashion sense, it's clear that he alone can (a) balance the ticket sufficiently to take necessary Red States, (b) raise enough dough to match anticipated Republican spending on McCain, and (c) get taken seriously by the bigots/racists/White Folk in the dirty, dirty, dirty South--where he is from.

If you haven't already (a) joined me in my conclusion, (b) written a letter begging Al Gore to run, and (c) recommended this diary, it's clear that you might as well (a) go ahead and register as a Republican, (b) leave Kos now for the shores of Red State, and (c) liquidate your assets and emigrate to Venezuela.

I know many of you will (a) call me a Troll, (b) label me a moron, and (c) call me an arrogant motherfucking bastard because of this diary. But I also know that I've been blessed with (a) the kind of far-sighted geopolitical insight that comes but once in a generation, (b) a David Lee Roth-like, ill-fated hubris, and/or (c) blissful lack of awareness of and sensitivity toward those around me, so your opinion really doesn't matter. (Call me?!)

If you don't share my high opinion of Al Gore, you can (a) troll rate my tip jar, (b) consider yourself removed from my holiday card list, and also (c) go fuck yourself.

Talk amongst yourselves.