I should just not read BoingBoing Shop ads

BoingBoing was at one time the most popular blog in the world.  It still has some appeal even though Cory Doctorow has left — except for its ads, which oftentimes sound like parodies of ad-speak.

Case in point: the Gravita floating lamp.  Why should you buy this product?
❶  To induce people to say, "Dude, your lamp is broken," so you can then reply "No, dude, it is not."
❷  "it doesn't look like it should work at all … unquestioned uniqueness … might spend as much time drawing stares as it does lighting your space."
❸  "couldn't get more minimalist if it tried."
❹  "generated nearly 20 times its original financial goal during its phenomenally popular Kickstarter campaign."
❺  Magnets for levitation, induction for power transfer.
❻  "the shock, shatter, dust, and water-resistant LED bulb is made from tempered salinite"
❼  "distinctive Edison-style bulb"
❽  "built-in Bluetooth speakers"
❾  "also serves as a wireless charging pad"
❿  "USB-A and USB-C charging ports"
⓫  "expect to survive up to 20 years and shine for more than 50,000 hours."
⓬  "Usually $134, it's now on sale for just $89.99."

Compare this with the regular-strength bullshit that the Gravita’s own manufacturer uses (Regularly $500!  On sale for only $134.99!)

So what’s not to like?  This ad copy is a reflection of who BoingBoing thinks their readers are:
❶ = is a male who pretends to be a dude bro and wants to give people a reason to say the word dude to him;
❷ = likes cat-toys;
❸ = has nouveau-riche artistic pretensions and doesn’t parse sentences carefully (of course this thing is trying to be minimalist!)
❹ = is very proud of his little startup company that no one has heard of;
❺ = wishes he knew how science really worked;
❻ = has no idea that salinite isn’t a real word;
❼ = Has vaguely heard of "Edison", which is the traditional lightbulb shape, and thus completely non-distinctive;
❽ = likes impractical but seemingly-cool toys;
❾ = has an iPhone;
❿ = maybe the help might have an Android that needs charging;
⓫ = is impressed by warranties that are unlikely to be honoured;
⓬ = has no idea how much anything is really worth, being nouveau riche and all.

Really, Cory’s new blog is too much of a screed against Late-Stage Capitalist Robber Barons, while the remaining Boingers are too microfocused on the microdosing San Jose microculture, so I should just unsubscribe from the two of them.