pyesetz: (woof)
(Brown text = post-election edits.)

It’s been almost six years(!) since the last time I linked to the blog of my American friend and colleague, Dr. J.  Gotta cross-link to your homies to keep our Google rankings up!  Anyway, Dr. J works for the US gov’t, so he may be obligated to write political tracts in support of the incoming Stalinist dictator Constitutionally-limited president.  He published this tract on a Sunday, perhaps to hide the fact (if it is one) that he was required to write it on paid government time.  There is a law against that, but it’s widely ignored like most good-government laws in the USA.

The didactic form that Dr. J chose is the “in an alternate universe, Hillary is actually guilty of something” meme, which isn’t bad as propaganda styles go.  Certainly it is less objectionable than the style chosen by Dr. Phil Plait, who basically starts from the reasonable “Global Warming is the most important issue” and the unreasonable ”politicians do not lie” and somehow manages to conclude that Hillary is the best candidate — even though she is pro-WWIII and Donald is against it and the world wars show up as spikes on the historical temperature chart.  So I guess I could perhaps join in on this fun, although personally I endorse Jill Stein because she tells the fewest lies.

Before we begin, I should note that Dr. J’s piece is actually funny, which is probably more than I can hope to achieve with my own work.  His Churchillian grammar reference is excellent and I found myself agreeing with the imaginary crowd furious at Hillary’s misquote.  It’s “shall not”, I say!  Yet even in an alternate universe, it is still the anti-Hillary forces that are correct.

Alternate Universe № ❰∞,∞,∞,26,∞,0,19,∞̅…❱ (see supernatural numbers, which I don’t actually believe in because ∞ is a figment of the mathematical imagination; Objective Reality probably doesn’t contain any numbers larger than around 10⁸⁵ or so).
      Conceit: In this universe (which we can never locate because its ID number is transfinite), Hillary actually had a legitimate reason to operate her honeypot email server that provided live feeds to Russia and Al Qaeda and Goldman Sachs containing the classified info that she received.
      Resulting difference: Not much, really.  The Espionage Act of 1917 says it applies to everyone, including the president.  It does not offer any exemption for politicians who possess a legitimate national-security reason to burn an agent’s cover; if that action results in another agent’s death then the politician is supposed to get the electric chair.  So Hillary Clinton is basically in the same category as Dick Cheney.
Alternate Universe № 5.2761 (but keeping in mind that fractional numbers which are not ratios might not actually exist; they might instead be mere measurement conveniences arising from the enormous gap between human-sized units and physics-sized ones).
      Conceit: In this universe, Hillary actually still has a shred of decency left in her, so she does not make a big deal of Donald’s misogynistic ways.  Because, you know, her husband Bill has done most of the same things — except only Donald dared to talk about it when he knew the mic was on, thus showing that Donald is an idiot.  And Hillary has insisted all along that absolutely nothing Bill has ever done was actually wrong, so therefore (for her) those same things should also not have been wrong when Donald did them.  Donald's contemptible attitude toward women could certainly be criticized by other Democrats (such as Huma Abedin, who divorced her own husband for less) but this would lead to questions about Bill that Hillary doesn't want to hear.
      Resulting difference: None.  It doesn’t matter which acts of muck-raking Hillary decides are beneath her (if any).  Barack Obama has already announced that the winner of the election shall be Hillary.  He has also hinted that if for any reason the vote-counting machines ring up “Donald” as their answer, that could only mean that the machines were hacked by the Russians because the American people do not have permission from their president to vote for Donald.  HeilHillary!  It outta be a crime not to love her!
Alternate Universe № 3141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375110⁴⁹.  (This ratio *might* be the true value of π, if transcendental numbers do not actually exist.  In any event, because our home universe is quantized, there is probably no physical experiment that could ever be performed which would prove that this *isn’t* the true value of π.)
      Conceit: In this universe, Hillary is openly working for Goldman Sachs, the vampire squid that wants to RULE THE WORLD by installing its Manchurian candidates as the leaders of all major governments.  None of the policies she espouses on the campaign trail have anything to do with her actual plans for her presidency, which consist of transferring all remaining wealth from Main St to Wall St while waging a causeless war against Russia in order to bring about the Nuclear Apocalypse, thus ensuring the Second Coming of Jesus Christ among the poor bedraggled survivors on a burnt-out planet.
      Resulting difference: Um, there seems to be a technical glitch in our Inter-Universal Counterfactuality gizmo.  Apparently the ID number for this “alternate universe” is actually a synonym of our own.  Anyway, by the Reflexive Property, there cannot be any difference between two universes that differ only in name and not in character.
pyesetz: (woof)
A horse walks into a bar.  The barman says "Why the long face?"  The horse says "As an anthropomorphic horse, I fit in neither with humans nor my own kind, and have thus lived a life of loneliness."

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Why the long face?"  The horse says, "Because I'm an alcoholic and it's killing my family."

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender asks the horse if he's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not."  POOF!  The horse disappears.
      This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or "I think, therefore, I am".
      But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A neutrino walks through a bar.

* * * * *

In other news, my mother died on Saturday.  6pm Israel time.  I heard about it five hours later, which was only an hour before the funeral on the other side of the world, so I couldn't possibly attend.  She had been on a respirator and a feeding tube for her last hour of life.
pyesetz: (woof)


(Around here, winter begins in late November and runs until late April, so it's five months for just one of the seasons.)
pyesetz: (woof)
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!"

E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and ends up au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

pyesetz: (woof)
Dave Barry "retired" some time ago, but he's still writing, if you like that sort of thing.  For some reason, I find the second half of the year to be much funnier.

July: A tragic fatal drama plays out on the streets of New York City, where police officers fire 183 bullets into a man who, according to witnesses, was about to take a sip from a Big Gulp, which he apparently obtained in New Jersey. The shooting is defended by Mayor Bloomberg, who notes that if the officers had not acted quickly, the man “could have placed himself in very real danger of becoming obese.”
      In London, the Olympics get under way with a spectacular opening ceremony, climaxing in the dramatic lighting of the Olympic torch by an unmanned Predator drone, which also takes out the entire Pakistani team. The only glitch in the ceremony occurs when a streaker runs onto the track and passes out. He is identified by police as Prince Philip, still in Diamond Jubilee mode.

August: Tensions continue to rise in the Middle East when Iran unveils a surface-to-surface ballistic missile named Conqueror, which, according to an Iranian spokesman, will be used for “agriculture.” Elsewhere in the troubled region, an unmanned Predator drone hacks Waziristan’s Twitter account and posts pictures of itself naked.
      In the European economic crisis, an increasingly desperate Greece offers to have sex with Germany.

October: The month’s big story is “superstorm” Sandy, which devastates a large swath of the Northeast despite the courageous efforts of hundreds of TV news reporters standing on the beaches telling people to stay off the beaches. New York City is hit hard, but Mayor Bloomberg responds swiftly, ordering police to arrest anybody suspected of taking advantage of the disaster by consuming soft drinks from containers larger than 16 ounces, which could potentially cause them to become obese.
      In the month’s most inspiring story, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner jumps from the Red Bull Stratos helium balloon 24 miles high and breaks the sound barrier in free fall, reaching a speed of 834 miles per hour and thrilling a worldwide broadcast audience before being shot down by a Predator drone sponsored by Monster, a competing energy drink.

November: Voters in Colorado and Washington approve the legalization of recreational marijuana use, and also order $257 million worth of delivery pizzas.
      Toward the end of the month, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is dispatched on an urgent mission to try to bring peace to one of the world’s most troubled spots: the Moultrie, Ga., Walmart, where mobs of crazed Black Friday shoppers are viciously assaulting each other over discounted cellphones. Clinton soon realizes the futility of her mission and heads for the Middle East, where people are more reasonable.

December: Two months after superstorm Sandy ravaged New York, electrical power is finally restored to all areas of the city. It is immediately turned back off by order of Mayor Bloomberg, on the grounds that electricity can be used to watch television, which the mayor notes is a leading cause of obesity. In retaliation, the San Francisco City Council bans molecules, noting that they are “a key ingredient in sugar.”

(Note: some text above slightly altered from Mr. Barry's original for purposes of syntactic coherence.)
pyesetz: (mr_peabody)
Note: One of my recurring nightmares is realizing that I've forgotten to write a Note for [these blog posts].  Why it always ends with me losing a Jell-O match to the Lorax on Tatooine remains a mystery.

pyesetz: (rabbit)
If people would just return to the 'two sleeps' pattern of their ancestors, that would save energy (we'd go to bed earlier), increase the birth rate (nothing else to do between the two sleeps), and increase environmentalism (by bringing us back into tune with Nature).  The reason why 'two sleeps' is never mentioned in the Bible is because the House of Borgia demanded that it be expunged from all extant copies in order to increase candle sales.  Cancer, shyness, and nominalism are all side-effects of the unnatural 8-hours-in-a-row sleep pattern.  Also, squat toilets.

* * * * *

If the European Central Bank is actually intending to do an illegal bailout by printing up Euros and "loaning" them to Spanish banks, accepting gum wrappers and bits of string as the collateral, then which country will experience the resulting food riots?  Last time it was Algeria.

* * * * *

My URTY model triggered!  Since March 26th, my robot has woken up every hour, checked the stock market, and then asked itself: "Is it time to buy URTY yet?"  And every hour — 436 times in a row! — the answer has been "No."  Until 11am this morning, when the answer was "Yes".  I was shocked.  Shocked, I tell you!  The URTY model is designed to detect periods of inflation due to stealth money-printing by central banksters.  Unfortunately, it is wrong about ⅓ of the time.  We shall see.  When it's wrong, the robot will usually sell at a loss within a week.
pyesetz: (Default)
"Some things have evolved many times on Earth such as hearts, eyes and jointed limbs, and the four 'F's - flight, fur, photosynthesis and sex," says Jack Cohen, a reproductive biologist who has helped science fiction authors design plausible aliens for their books.

pyesetz: (Default)
Tim Minchin's White Wine in the Sun:

Besides the ridiculously large number of syllables attached to so few beats, one can also appreciate the bizarre fingering on some of the piano chords (Minchin gave up piano lessons after three years and is now mostly self-taught).

Further info: Wikipedia entry, lyrics.

Hat tip: Pharyngula.
pyesetz: (Default)
Randy Cassingham writes the most popular email newsletter in the world (now that Boing Boing has become an RSS feed).  He says:
[G]enetic sequencing has shown that the current H1N1 pandemic virus is an amalgam of four different strains: North American swine influenza, North American avian influenza, human influenza, and a swine influenza virus typically found in Asia and Europe.  In other words, half swine, a quarter bird, and a quarter plain ol' human influenza, strains found around the world all mixed together.  It's that mix that helps make it so easily passed around.

(And when I sent out a note to some friends saying that I was recovering from Swine Flu, one of the wags, knowing the above, replied that it wasn't pure swine flu, but one mixed with bird flu, and thus it was more properly termed "Flying Pig Flu". Yeah: I like hanging around smart funny people. :-)

(Randy got the flu while giving a talk at a Mensa conference, so obviously he isn't *that* smart...)
pyesetz: (sozont)

My favourite part is the blood spatter that just happens to be covering the spot in the comic's text where a serial comma isn't, and this becomes important four lines later.

When I went to Wikipedia to get that reference for "serial comma", I half-expected to see a trivia item about xkcd's mention of it today, because xkcd is more notable than are serial commas.  But no, and I didn't feel like adding it.
(What?  You wanted more "Mass. Trip of Doom" posts?)
pyesetz: (Default)
After yesterday's post, kid #1's trip diary showed up in my email inbox first thing this morning, although the matter hadn't been mentioned in over a week.  Not speaking to anyone in particular, but kid #1 is older than [ profile] d3monspawn, whose mother is [ profile] hakeber and grandmother [ profile] loud4singing.

I finished typing in all the receipts in the "Mass. trip" pile.  Now I need to cross-check the results with the websites of my various banks.  Then I can compare my financial notes with kid #1's recollections to produce my trip report.

It's been a long time since this post.
pyesetz: (sozont)

Sometimes a pair of balls is just a pair of balls.  Other times it's a reference to the old joke about the "wang of America".
pyesetz: (arctic-fox)
  1. I can no longer play the piano.  I actually sat down at one, for perhaps the first time since about 1992 1994 Hanukkah 1995.  I was able to pick out bits and pieces, but couldn't remember enough notes to play anything through.  Also, I kept losing notes on the left paw but not the right, so every other measure or so I would find myself "off by one".  One fur who was present for this said that it sounded like the beginning of a horror movie.  As usual for my musical productions, no recording was made.
  2. Some birds secrete milk to feed their chicksIt's true!  That lactating pigeon is somebody's mommy.
  3. Republicans are so evil, they'll even vote against motherhood, apple pie, and puppies.  Well, against motherhood, anyway.  Apparently the GOP wanted to show its love by voting *for* Mother's Day before voting *against* it.  Up next: a law declaring Satan to be Our Lord And Savior.
  4. Not every lie told on SlashDot is refuted by another commenter, though I suppose I should have known this already.  Today, a commenter claimed that the plaintiff wins in 100% of cases decided by the BC Human Rights Tribunal.  Various respondants suggested that it was because so many of the plaintiffs are Jews.  The Tribunal says their conviction rate is 36% and only 2% of complaints involved "religion or politics".
  5. [Poll #1185879](This question can be skipped, like all questions in LJ polls, while still participating in the rest of the poll.)
pyesetz: (Default)
(Cargo Weasel says he'll unfriend anyone who uses the "autopost" meme to generate journal entries, but he never added me, so he CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS POST—mwahahaha!  Tech note: Generated using the "dissociated-press" feature in GNU Emacs, and then pruning of the less-funny results.)

(Special note to [ profile] avenginglioness: Stop reading when you get bored.  This doesn't really go anyplace.)

I'll tell you what I think of you.  (*orchestral music plays, led by a trombonist*).  Okay, I realize that her reciprocal LJ friendship is just a courtesy to those who have hip replacements faster than Canadians. But there’s baraminologists, whose attempts to prove a falsehood would be hilarious if they weren't part of a Fascist plot to enslave us with a name I remember, and certainly nobody will recognize my name, so lupine!

Representative Louise Slaughter, trying to cancel her chiropractic appt., so this morning I had to get up and drive her nest in my shed.  I need to get more sturdily built as well or how badly I've actually traded some electronic words with the Israel-Hizbullah war of 2006 from a profit to ask if he crumpled it up and threw it in the wastebasket.  Voyager and the recall applies only to anyone who hasn't studied TXL, and only very little sense to clean up the disaster area that is wrong with you guys?

I'm hoping for another building's parking lot, thinking I'll turn around and go buy the cat's-meow Nokia E70 and hiding her preference for Barry Manilow for 20 minutes later, the garage's accountant shows up in an unmarked car with a gas can't yiff her again.  Wu deliberately leaves a open pathway to the Tree book of national street maps.  Well, and potato slicer into a really-Real Objective Reality". 

Both of these products are about a week behind a cut, since it has nothing to do with Cricket -- or Furry Logic with cute little frolic-in-the-flowers computers.  But I'll work on the tests after being caught with his hand, a policy that agrees with al-Qaida (and not with our nation's founders) about fifteen years.

Okay, here's a little hard to read because the words are embossed in black plastic on a Black&Decker 18-inch "Lawn Hog" on the 1000-sheet/roll crap.  I would have mentioned Rick Santorum and his brother had to pick the stamens during harvest season.  But now when I could check every state's exit poll that I shall never run, Wifey spent six hours making a barbecued brisket, which would be me.  In a recent post, I said some things that only 0.65% of their last 692 posts include "Birds have feathers, beaks, and two legs" and "Sugar melts in water."

The manual warns that mulching very tall grass leads to clumping, but I got less clumping from this mulcher than I had from my potential friends.  I'm thinking about banning New Jersey Furs have been holding biweekly furmeets.  Mood: melancholy (delirious).

A coworker told me prime the rumor mill with these between-the-lines implications that I see in the Smaller Magellanic Cloud, which is 200,000 lightyears away.  So who felt like reading this post?  We actually fairly easy to use (if you already know how to museums and I still need to resign, and exposed the Animal Spirit of indictment, causing Bush to nominate a new seam of ore in his Crazy Mine.
pyesetz: (Default)
Here is a Q&A with the general public on Dave's perennial bid for the presidency of the USA.

Q. How many times can the cannonballs fly, before they're forever banned?
A. The answer, my friend, is 42.


pyesetz: (Default)

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